Between You and Me - Love?s Labour

Column published in Sunday Life in The Herald on Sunday (October 3, 2004)

Without even listening to commercial radio or watching the soaps on TV, I hear the word ?love? a hundred times a day. It?s what happens when you?re a relationship counsellor. I only wish it made me feel all warm inside.

It?s not directed at me personally of course and it?s not often used positively. It?s more likely to be used to signal a deficit:

?If you really loved me?.?

?I love you, but I?m not in love with you?

?You don?t love the kids. You?re never at home. You love your job.?

?You?re always criticising me. Why can?t you love me unconditionally.?

?Of course I love you but you don?t make it easy.?

?I don?t know what the word ?love? means any more.?

You?ll understand then why it?s hard for me to find a way to talk about love in a way that doesn?t sound cynical or clinical, or weary or wary. 

Implicit in these complaints and pleas are beliefs about love, and yearnings for love that are bound to lead to disappointment. Despite consistent evidence from the real world, one commonly held belief is that being ?in love? is a necessary condition for a lasting relationship. Another persistent myth is that true love lasts forever and withstands any challenge ? abuse, betrayal, infidelity, neglect. Sometimes I just can?t help sighing.

So now I?ve got that off my chest, let me be positive ? about two kinds of love: the passionate kind and the durable kind.

I?ve been ?in love? a few times in my own life ? you know ? elated/ fixated/ excited/ invincible/ alive/ scared/ awake ? all night! (Thanks to science, we may know much more now about the hormones and biochemistry involved but it doesn?t give us any more control.) And despite the gut wrenching churning misery that descended on me when some of those love affairs ended, I can honestly say I wouldn?t have missed the passion for the world. The agony at the end?  It?s the price for taking emotional risks.

That?s not to say I need to experience it again, mind you. I?m a mid-fifties woman now, twenty years settled in a second marriage and I?ve had my share of romantic dramas. These days, the vicarious experience is just fine thanks; like watching bungy jumping.

The breathless passionate sexy kind of love may start the fire that lights and heats the beginning of an intimate relationship. It?s the other kind of love that sustains us over time. Here we do have some control. This more durable  love grows and builds from a mix of feelings, decision and actions: feelings of attraction, respect and fondness; decisions to choose this person and to make them a priority; and actions expressing kindness, goodwill and loyalty.

Is this making you feel all warm inside? It?s meant to, but it can also sound a bit worthy and - well- dull. No wonder we can become susceptible to the temptation to play up and break out. Keeping a permanent relationship alive (including sexually alive) and kicking is a constant challenge for our highly stressed, working to the max, long living generation. Many relationships are bruised and battered and barely limping after years of distance and serious damage. The challenge here is to see if there?s any life left to heal and restore the bond.

For those starting out and ?in love? there are very different questions and challenges: how to convert the relationship from being uncertain, rocky and sexually exciting into one that is stable and sturdy ? and sexually exciting! How to deal with the questions and doubts that inevitably arise when the real flawed person emerges as the idealised image fades? How to recognise whether feelings cooling down are a normal stage or a sign that the match is just not compatible? When to stop testing the feelings and the other person and choose  - to leave or commit.

Answering these questions and dealing with each of these challenges could of course fill a whole book!

You may like your information in smaller bites. So welcome to this column. There?ll be many more to come. I will cover a whole range of relationship challenges starting with the ones mentioned above. You may not have a partner but wish ? You may be stressed with your children or your partner?s children. You may be in strife with someone at work or have fallen out with a friend. I?ll offer some thoughts and some suggestions. I?m a practical kiwi kind of counsellor with 25 years experience and a history in teaching. Can?t help myself.  I know you won?t take any notice if my hints don?t fit.

Did I tell you I?m in a new relationship? With you ? in a way. It?s quite exciting.

Rhonda Pritchard

Author of

Love in the Real World,

How Money Comes Between Us  

When Parents Part, How Kids Adapt