BETWEEN YOU AND ME

Column for November 7, 2004, Sunday Life in Herald on Sunday

A Leap of Faith

Dear Rhonda

My new partner and I have different beliefs and views on religion. Could this be a problem?

Although I consider myself spiritual, I am not religious and he is ( but very relaxed about it). I  consider different forms of religion to be organized forms of spirituality, a form of expression of oneself, much as everyone wears clothes, but everyone dresses in a different style.

Perhaps we are just calling the same thing by different names, as I do believe in a higher power in the universe, though I definitely don't call it God. But is that just me not accepting what is important to him? He feels that I have a good heart and that is enough for him for us to have a spiritual connection.

Is this is an issue with compatibility or not? Of course, it is also relevant when it comes to what beliefs you pass on to your children.

Dear Considering

I’m not at all sure that difference in beliefs can be compared to wearing different styles of clothes. (Differences over dress, by the way, are also a hot issue for many couples, embarrassing to admit, even in my house!)

Your partner believes in God and you believe in some form of higher power, so both of you have a faith in something beyond the natural world. While your beliefs are different in their cultural origins, focus and forms of expression, there is a point of common ground here. So far, so good.

It could be problematic if one of you had a faith and the other was atheist or agnostic, although thousands of couples live with that difference. It’s hard to find a language that does not imply that belief and faith are positive while alternative views are negative. Terms like ‘atheist’, ‘non-believer’ are loaded with assumptions about the norm. Not believing in a god does not necessarily mean an absence of wonder in the ‘miracles’ of nature and the universe, a belief in the worth of human beings and their potential for good, a desire to protect the environment and all forms of life.

It could be more problematic if one has no respect for the other’s dearly held belief and, even worse, takes every opportunity to scorn or challenge. Happily that doesn’t seem to be the case in your relationship.

More fundamental to harmony are the values that accompany the beliefs. Let’s take some topics where differences might affect the sense of being allies.

How similar are your views:

• on your duty to extended family or whanau
• on what you are seeking to achieve in your lives
• on the roles of men and women in the home and in society
• on marriage
• on priorities for spending and saving money
• on contraception
• on abortion
• on how children should be raised and disciplined
• on homosexuality
• on race relations
• on regard for science
• on political allegiance
• on euthanasia.

Rarely does each of us fit into neat pigeon holes. Even within the Christian community there is a vast range of views on these issues. It is quite possible that a Christian and an atheist might have very similar positions on the majority of these topics, while two Christians, or two Muslims, or two humanists might be almost diametrically opposed.

Differences in values may not in themselves be a sign that the relationship is doomed. Holding stereotypes about another group in society, for example, does not always get expressed in behaviour towards individuals. Debates on religious, social and political issues at the dinner table may create tension, but it would be far more relationship threatening if you find that you have radically different views on how children should be treated.

Beliefs and values are closely linked. Religious beliefs are also expressed in rituals and practices; how Sundays are spent, how festivals like Christmas and Easter are celebrated. Again these may not create barriers but some religions require strict adherence to rules around prayer, clothing, food and where women and children stand in respect of men.

It really comes down to how much tolerance we have for each other’s views and how much is the difference likely to impact on our everyday relationship. Accommodating difference is always going to be necessary for any relationship to survive, but sometimes the gap is so wide that we might fall in and hurt ourselves.

It is much easier to change our style of clothing. We might be willing to adapt what we wear to suit our partner’s taste sometimes and we might be comfortable about one of us going to church and the other not. But being asked to accept or tolerate a value that is repugnant to us is confusing love with submission.

Between you and me, I’m not much in favour of submission!

If you have other questions you’d like me to answer anonymously in this column you can email me: rhonda@paradise.net.nz or write to me through The Editor, Sunday Life, Herald on Sunday, PO Box 32 Auckland.

www.rhondapritchard.co.nz